I’m ever on the journey of reclaiming my self-trust and intuition. This past season, I took on a Jedi-level challenge of believing in myself. I wanted to manifest a new reality—one where I could get back to nature and balance, and live in a community that saw me, knew me and valued me. As many of you know, the pandemic upheaved me from a life I was just starting to flourish freely in and dropped me into the unfriendly, conservative, humidity of the deep south. I was bitter and angry about what felt like backward movement in my healing and personal growth.
Tired of “learning life’s lessons through the trials,” I decided to try to take a more active role in shifting my place in time and space. I began studying astral projection and active meditation. The work was intense and required daily practice. Once I opened my mind to these concepts, I began to see just how many possibilities lay in the creative space of infinity.
The hardest thing in manifesting a new reality was figuring out what I do want for my life. Like most, I could list off everything I didn’t enjoy about my current circumstances, but I couldn’t quite identify what I thought would make me happy instead. I turned to art. I’m not particularly good at painting or drawing, but there’s something about the way moving paint in circles feels on a blank canvas, and there’s something that slows my breathing when I draw repetitive stones into a hedge-lined fence that overrides my logical brain and dumps the answer out in front of me.
I couldn’t stop painting mountains, with a little house in the valley, and healing crystals descending over the hills, and I could not shake the feeling someone was in the corner telling me the whole story of how I inherited this land. I learned in my active meditation studies to focus on what I wanted to have happen instead of what I was afraid might happen.
This is high-level, and very hard. And my perfectionism nearly took me down entirely. I made notes and taped them to the walls and mirrors.
I fought my own self-sabotage daily—wrestled my own weak faith.
Some days were high and strong, and some were low and dark. I had two or three people who believed in me, and thankfully one was my partner who agreed to take the risks involved with me.
From the time I first heard the calling to come to the Blue Ridge Mountains, until the time I achieved the move, was about sixteen months--but achieve I did! There were multiple tests and distractions and decoys along the way. Ultimately, I landed in more than just a new geographical position, I now have a new vantage point of my own intuitive powers. Something kept telling me, “Don’t you dare give up,” and at the end of the hardest days, I decided to just keep going.
Surrender is a balm when giving up feels like the only option.
In the end, when everything seemed to be screaming at me to give up, and all our resources were draining out at alarming speeds, the only thing left to do was wait for the metaphorical egg to hatch and pray to heaven I sat on it enough.
With only days to spare, our new home and community finally materialized. I was shocked by how closely my paintings resembled my new life. It built into me cause to trust myself and what was speaking to me.
The celebration of manifesting a new reality and new levels of self-trust was met immediately with subsequent tests and distractions meant to chip away at my faith and make me doubt myself again. And even though I’d just done the impossible, I realized I was not immune to fear as a result.
Fear is persistent.
Even when the odds are ever in our favor, even when we have enough, fear still tries to wiggle into every crack in our trust and break the dam open until were paralyzed and stopped in our tracks again. Fear isn’t intelligent. It isn’t tracking you because it has a personal vendetta against you, or me. It’s tracking us because its nature is to go everywhere and infiltrate every space it’s permitted to go. Like water looking for cracks in the earth to seep into, like the shadow creeping across the horizon at night. Fear is doing what it was meant to do. Your job—my job, is to hold the line every day, every minute, in a constant watch so fear doesn’t consume us and saturate our plans.
It preys on our exhaustion and all the things we need to do first before we can rest and make time to refuel our energy. We’re afraid we can’t afford the time, money, or energy to care for ourselves, and as a result, the fear spreads.
The thing you’re trying to manifest wants you to succeed.
Your purest desires are leading you toward the life that’ll give you the best chance of having everything you need. If fear stops you from listening to your desires, or following through on making them a reality, check in with yourself on that. You might need to phone a friend, schedule that self-care date, or sit down with a blank canvas and let your brave heart put the anxieties back behind the fence of your dream life.
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Love and Peace,